Morning Traffic Report

“Howdy Folks, this Chip Thompson with your early morning traffic report, brought to you by Sunny Brand Orange Juice. It’s a beautiful day here on the South half of the island, and a great one to be alive! Pack up your swim trunks and grab your surf boards because today’s also a great day to head to the beach and forget all about the traffic on the 317 because it is a disaster out here!

“I’ve seen some bad snare ups in my day folks but this is one for the record books. Me and my co-pilot here Jon Spence have a view all the way from the South Beach up to the city core, and my, every single lane is backed up as far as the eye can see. I’d recommend just enjoying the beautiful sand and surf today and forgetting all about making it downtown for work today if you’re commuting, because things do not look like they’re going to be getting any better any time soon!

“We here at KRCH-11 haven’t received any word of major accidents so we’re not sure what the problem is, alright… alright… we’re just coming up around the bend now and… my God… this is a disaster! There’s cars on fire! Overturned vehicles. It’s a big accident folks and it sure looks like a bad one, a real bad accident, a tanker truck’s overturned and is spilling gasoline onto the road and…

“Jesus Christ, there’s people down there running around! Even from up here I can see blood. It looks like they’re surrounding one man… my God… my God! What are they doing? Oh Jesus! Sweet Jesus! Jon, I’ve never seen anything like this in my life. What is this? What is this? Oh God, they’re overturning some of the other cars now and pulling people out… sweet Jesus, there’s blood everywhere…. everywhere…. on the pavement, I can see it even from here…. they’re covered in it… more of them are coming out of the others cars now and.. oh God they’re eating each other. They’re eating each other! What is this? What is this? What is happening?!”

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